"BEE not afraid"

I have never been fond of bugs of any kind. However, if you have known me for any length of time, you are probably more than aware of my fear of bees. This is not your normal "oh crap, there is a bee". This is a fear that causes me to not be responsible for the things that might occur while around a bee. Perhaps I would lose my salvation in the presence of a bee, like say some words that I wouldn't recommend saying, or run in circles while waving my hands uncontrollably above my head, screaming "help me, help me". There was even one time on a beautiful afternoon I was driving with my windows down and one of those buggers flew in my car and decided to take a stroll on my skirt, I am not lying when I tell you that in a moment of panic, I just put the car in park in the middle of the road, got out of the car and begin to run circles around my car doing the flailing arms movement screaming to the car behind me "It's a bee, help!!! It's a bee" As I am sure you would have, they laughed at me, but did not see it necessary to help me. It's like I like my forehead speaks BEE and says "Come to me, all the bees in the land, I enjoy your threatening spirit, please come flock to me so that I can freak out inside". All of this to say, that I become paralyzed with fear in the presence of a bee!!!!!

I don't know what it is so much, maybe it's the unknown. I have never been stung by a bee. Maybe its the "hearsay" that bee stings hurt. Maybe it's the noise they make, like they make their presence known when they just circle you with there little buzzing noises. Maybe it's because they move so dang fast that you can hardly follow them with your eyes. I am not sure what it is about them, but any time I encounter a bee, i can assure you... i turn into a 5 year old on a bad dose of crack.

July of 08' God was so good to speak to me a bit about this fear of Bees. It was my fast day on my heart quest and it was way to early to be awake. I picked up my lawn chairs on the way out the door and grabbed a fleece blanket i had bought for the bus ride down. Obviously it was in the heat of the year so the blanket was just a whim, i thought maybe i would decide to lay down on the ground or something. (right, as if i would have partied with the ants) Anyway, as I was walking away from the house, headed to find the perfect spot to start my day, I began to think about the situation. I thought to myself; its hot, its early, there are bugs out here, Lord, why on earth would this be the way you want to spend the day with me? This is NOT my idea of a good time!!!" I found a spot next to a tree, at least i would be in the shade. About 3 seconds after getting settled and sitting down, I heard the buzz. That's right, it was my very own pack of bees. swarming me with a vengeance. I quickly began to ball my head of while grabbing the fleece blanket and wrapping myself from head to toe. Even my face was hidden under the very hot, itchy blanket. As I sat under this blanket, up against an alarming sense of frailty and fear I heard in my spirit "This is what you do, In your day to day life, this is your reflex" i said "huh?" I heard, " you are living under a blanket to hide from the fear, your finding a sense of security under the blanket and your not allowing me to get to what is underneath because you are afraid." I began to download this revelation and I realized that what he was talking about what my weight. That was the day that the Lord spoke some of the most impactful words into my heart! He said "you are eating because you are hurting, not because you are hungry". He was right, I was covering myself in a body that was uncomfortable and awkward like the blanket in the heat of July. And I was using that body to hide from the fear of the unknown, the fear of the buzzing or the sense that life was buzzing around so fast around me that I couldn't keep up with where it was, or where i belonged in it. Most of all, It was that day that the Lord showed me that the BEE represented the spirit of fear in my life. After enough time passed and the noises softened, I came out for air I tore the blanket off of me and set stiffly while they buzzed around the area. I just closed my eyes and pictured the Cross, I pretended that Jesus was right in front of me and that he was going to protect me from the bees. I did eventually get up and move to another, less bee infested area. But I did not get stung by a bee that day.

Since then, God has showed me even more thing about this fear I struggle with. He is so good to open our eyes to the physical things and bring clarity of its spiritual meaning. I feel like what I have discovered about this bee thing is that I will always have the bees circling me. It's inevitable that they will be around. Just like the enemy, who is out to sting me. But, If I live in fear of this hovering presence I rob myself of living in victory in the freedom over this fear. I must be aware that they are around, I can even know the threat they pose. But I must remember that hiding from the spirit of fear, is only living under a blanket of doubt. And that blanket is just a wall we build around ourselves in attempt to protect our heart from the unknown. In reality, we are only building a wall between us and our Father that enables to us to experience the fullness of life he has for us! I think that day started the process of the healing from the inside out I have received. It started with the inside that day, and God worked all the way thru my heart into my spirit and out my body. And now, I am not living under an awkward blanket. I am living in the body that is free from the shame and fear. And it matches what is whole and free on the inside!

So, I will not BEE afraid! I will keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that the unknown is known by him, and he has a purpose for my life, that is not to sting me, but for hope in my final outcome! "For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good, not disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11

"I was called to be free" ~Galatians 5:13