Clarence the Camel

A couple of weeks ago at church, my dad spoke on a particular subject that struck home with me. He brought our attention to a camel (That my dad has named "Clarence") that lives amongst a heard of buffalo, off 114 and trophy club dr. In his description of this odd sight, he brought light to the fact, that Clarence probably felt like the fat kid. Or, the skinny kid... whatever. That all of the buffalo are alike, and Clarence just hangs out with no friends, or none like him at least. This must suck for Clarence, day after day, to be the odd one out. To look different, act different, feel different, eat different... and on and on. I started thinking, I really feel like a camel in the middle of a heard of buffalo right now. I feel like I'm the sore thumb that just doesn't really fit. I feel, misplaced. I feel these things for many reasons. What is quite ironic is that the night before my dad spoke of Clarence, I had just had a minor revelation about how my clothes are really beginning to take on new meaning in my life. I was trying to express to Jason that I felt the same way in life as I do when I stand in my closet. Because of my weight loss (and I know, it's a "good problem to have") I have no clothes that fit. They are all to large, and if they do fit it is only from this least of reasons why; 1. they are from years ago before i gained weight, which would make the outdated, 2. They are my mothers hand me downs,or 3. They are my sisters hand me downs. Thus resulting in a closet full of clothes that don't don't actually express my personal style. So, i began to look into that a bit and what I realized was that, I don't really know what my personal style is. I think that for the past 7 years that I have been overweight, i just bought clothes that fit, i didn't care much if i liked them... it was just a bonus if i could find something that fit. And now that I can wear normal (none plus size) clothes, i have no idea where to shop or what to buy. I also don't have the resources to just throw all my clothes away and start over. This being the reason that I look like my mother 3 days a week, and my sister 2 days a week. And end up wearing sweats the other 2 days. Now, I think my mother and my sister are both super cute and they have great styles. My mom in her leopard and diamonds and my sister in her pink bows and polka dots. Me however, I would say my perfect outfit would be; jeans, vintage shirt, cardigan, scarf, hat and a random color of chucks with some self added bling to the toe of the shoe. Perhaps a strand of pearls or a belt that didn't match. This however is something that i can picture in my head, but if i went into my closet, would be unlikely to find. Thus resulting in looking like a total poser and not being true to myself. Let me bring this home, see... it's like in my life, i am trying on all of these different things; beliefs, spiritual gifts, friends, churches...etc. But nothing seems to be fitting just right. (with the exception of a few items: IE friends) It's like, it's all someone elses style, or it isn't fitting the way that i want it to. It's like I am trying to shove myself into a pair of jeans that I just can't fit into yet. I feel the same way when i reflect on the frustration of where this last year has brought me as I do when I am sitting under 17 outfits that I have pulled off the hanger and thrown on the floor in an attempt to just BE ME. Another good comparison is this, I worked my butt off to lose weight. I am proud of the 55 lbs weight loss, I am excited and passionate, but now that I can actually wear fun clothes that express myself, I have nothing that works. In the same way, I have worked HARD for the past 3 years to break free from sin and walk in FREEDOM! I have laid my junk at the cross to bring glory to God with my growth. And now that I am a whole and complete person on the inside, I find myself having to validate myself as good enough, strong enough, mature enough in my walk with God to be used in a bigger way. All of this to say, My clothes and my current circumstances, are really not doing anything to enhance my inside, or outside.
Now Clarence, he has no choice but to dress like himself. This is perhaps the reason why he stands out, people look at him when they drive by, not the 30 buffalo around him. I bet some days he wishes that he could dress in black and pack on a few lbs, what do you think? But maybe, just maybe Clarence is comfortable in his own skin. Maybe he likes being the eye candy as people drive by. I am sure he got a great laugh the other day when I drove by and in my determination to spot him, I drove my car into the median and busted my wheel all sorts of up. Surly he likes that he is a show stopper. I love this about Clarence, I choose to believe that he feels special. And as I write this, I feel like I am having my own revelation about my recent feelings of isolation. Maybe Dad's right, MAYBE God has a purpose for us standing out in the crowd. Maybe the heard of buffalo need a camel to bring something new, something different, something that is comfortable standing out! I like Clarence, I like clothes... I think all that is missing, is that I like myself enough to trust that I am in the right place, at the right time... even though I have no idea what the future looks like. I have to count my blessing, I could have a huge humps on my back, ay?

"I am called to be free" ~ Galatians 5:13